My parenting style, like many, was shaped by my upbringing. I took a little from here and there, tossed it into a pot, and tried to make the best out of whatever happy memories and/or trials and tribulations I experienced. My husband did the same. We both pull from our respective pasts, apply what makes sense, and hope for the best.
A lot of pressure comes with parenting because we are charged with the duty of turning out a productive citizen. And for us moms, we get the added bonus of being the first person fingers are pointed at when our kid doesn’t turn out too great. That’s not to say this doesn’t happen to fathers. As an equal opportunist–because I wouldn’t want to leave anyone out– I would like to say to the dads, “Don’t worry, you too can be responsible for screwing up your kid(s).”
It dawned on me when I was pregnant with my first child that there was no shortage of information about parenting. That included suggestions and advice I was receiving from family and the wealth of literature ranging from what to expect when you’re expecting right on up to the teenage years and how parenting relationships change with adult children. Typically, I try not to make assumptions, but I feel one can be made at this moment. I’m going to assume that some of you reading was scared out of your minds when you became parents.
For me, the heart stopping moment was when my husband went back to work after each of our children were born. I thought to myself, “My God! I have to raise these children. They are relying on me to keep them alive.” That’s scary. And it’s scary because no amount of reading or advice can prepare you for becoming a parent. There will never be a time in your life when you can say, “I understand parenting perfectly.” And if you have said that, you’re lying and someone needs to put you in the corner for a time-out. The only sentence that truly fits is “I’m working on it.” Or some variation of that sentence. And the reason this is the sentence that fits best is because parenting is not innate. Parenting is not a skill you are born with. It does not magically appear at birth and flourish as we grow.
That was a major lesson I learned after having my kids because it finally clicked why my dad couldn’t be the father my siblings and I wanted or needed him to be throughout portions of our childhood. I would look at my mom managing things around the house, raising the four of us, working, sacrificing, and wonder, Now, why can’t dad do that? It can’t be that hard. But it can be. My mom was doing the care-taking both before and after my parents divorced, and because of my mother’s childhood–having to be responsible at an early age for younger siblings–without even trying she was actively working on the skills parenting required. Delegating. Organization. Financial planning. Patience. Active listening. Selflessness. That last one is more of a character trait than a skill; however, in parenting it’s much needed.
Becoming a mother is what made me realize parenting, like any other skill is one we have to actively work to develop. That is the only way we make progress. Trial and error. Being present and actively involved in our child or children’s lives. Encouraging our children. Being honest even when it may hurt their feelings. Admitting we do not have all the answers. Admitting we are not perfect. And even more importantly, admitting when we are wrong.
It’s hard to see it as a kid, but when you’re younger your parents are growing up at the same time as you. They’re going through life for the first time as well. The first time I heard someone say that it blew my mind. Our parents really were trying to figure life out while raising us. The things they were experiencing they hadn’t had special training. They weren’t certified in some of the crises they had to navigate. And now, as adults, we are in the same position of growing up with our children and trying to figure out life too.
So, I would say extend yourself some grace. You are doing a hard job that does not come with a solid job description. And even if it did, there’s always going to be an “other duties as assigned” somewhere in the mix.
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